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| Reflections After a Long, Wintery Run Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Exhilaration. I am on the top of the world. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Each time my feet pound the cold, wintery pavement, my mind is transported to a new place, a new world, a different time. A world where all I have to do is endure just one more mile. A shiver shoots from my fingertips through my whole body as my sweat hits the icy-cold breeze. My heart pounds. My lungs wheeze. But I must press on. Just one more mile. Just one more mile. Peace. Serenity. Exhilaration in the face of growing fatigue. A time to be alone. To reflect on different memories across town. A memory here, a memory there. A chuckle and a smile here, a sigh of sorrow and longing there. My mind floods with emotion and my heart skips a beat at the sight of flashing lights ahead. Could it be…Maybe…no. Not this time. Once again I am reminded of my need to live in the present, the here-and-now, to fully embrace the portion God has assigned me today and in this season of life. The need to live fully in this moment, to not miss beat. Yes, memories are good and even the sorrowful ones are pleasant in retrospect. But with each step I take and each mouthful of air I devour, I am reminded of the now that God has placed me in. And I marvel at the miracle of each breath, each succulent smell, each new step, and each moment. | | |
| I'm home for spring break, and I've been reflecting on these past four years of college a lot today. I only have one quad left- one week in March (since I'll be on a spring break trip with the U of MN Navigators the week before Easter!), and all of April and one week in May. Then I'm DONE. Wow. That thought is amazingly wonderful and heartbreakingly sad and scary all at the same time! Being forever done with homework that seems so pointless will be incredible, although I'll dearly miss friendships I've made at Northwestern. On May 17, I will be writing the last sentence in th chapter of college in the story of my life. It will be over, and I will never again be able to open that chapter up and re-live its stories, its trials, its heartaches, and its beauty. To think of everything I have somehow fit into a 4-year window of time, and all the many, many changes I've journeyed through is really mind-boggling. After enduring many life-changing transitions, it almost makes me feel like I could face anything that could ever come my fay! There's no doubt that I sometimes wonder why God had me take the twists and turns that I did, but yet, that's what life with the Creator is all about: a journey of unknown twists and turns and cliffs and tall, tall mountains to climb. Sometimes, many times, really, I felt like the mountain ahead was far too steep to climb and I would never, ever make it to the top, never be able to look behind to see the wonderful, breathtaking view from above. And other times it was like there was a huge obstacle right in front of my path, like a giant lose-your-life-if-you-take-one-more-step kind of cliff, where I had to completely change the path I was on, the path that I had been creating, and the one I so desperately longed for. And yet, throughout each bend and fork in the road there was a still, small voice behind me whispering, "Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and I will help you. I will uphold you by my righteous right hand." (Is. 41:10). What a beautiful, life-giving promise! | | |
| It's unbelievable that fall semester is almost half way over. That is super exciting and yet really scary at the same time. I'm so anxious to be done with the never-ending load of homework, especially when most of it seems so ridiculously pointless!! It's crazy how environmental science takes up the main bulk of my homework time! The semester's going really well. I live with 3 amazing, beautiful, godly women who are such a huge encouragement and blessing. That's the hardest part about thinking that I only have a semester and a half left- I will miss them dearly! I've had a little more insight into my future recently. I've realized that counseling is not for me, although I often wish it were. I don't at all like the idea of being with a client for a 50-minute time block once a week, and that's it. Any relationship outside that hour would be a dual relationship and unethical. I long to spontaneously love on people and be an active encouragement and support in their lives, rather than only once a week. I also don't think I have what it takes to listen to people's huge problems all day long- I desire to disciple women- to press them on in their journey with Christ, rather than helping them wrestle with major psychological issues. So with that, I've rediscovered my love and passion for photography. I've pushed that passion aside for a couple years, believing that it can't earn me a living. But photography is what sends a huge wave of intense excitement through my entire body...and I don't want to supress that desire any longer! I'm not sure what that means...whether that means pursuing to begin my own studio someday, or what. There is an amazing 10 month photography school in Massechussettes...but it's quite pricey, so I don't know if it is even an option for me. It covers the technical and artistic side of photography, as well as all the business aspects. It even doesn't give grades, rather the assignments are given as business contracts and grades are given in the form of dollars, as if my assignement was worth a certain dollar value. It sounds pretty intense but also really practical. So we'll see. Anyway, there's so much I could write about tonight, but I really should end this break and get back to studying! God is good...all the time! | | |
| Well, my thoughts sure have changed completely since my last entry. If I wrote about it all, I'd be typing for a long time. So, I'll just stick to my thoughts for tonight. In thinking about a job during the school year, I did some research on eating disorder treatment centers in the Twin Cities. After reading through some info. on varous sites, I know that this is where my passion lies. This is what I want to do with my life. I want to learn how to effectively and Biblically treat women with eating disorders. I want to help women experience the abundant freedom that's available in Christ- that freedom which is a gift for us to simply receive - because Christ has already paid the price for it. I have been enslaved far too long to the bondage of food and body image and self-consciousness, and tonight, I am choosing to put this behind me and to truly accept Christ's freedom. I choose to walk abundantly in obedience. I choose to make healthy decisions for myself in order to honor this temple God has given me. I choose to not agonize over all the parts of me that I wish I could change; I instead choose to graciously accept what God has blessed me with, in the full knowledge that the only thing that truly matters during my lifetime is my obedience to Him. I choose to be known and remembered as a woman with a beautiful heart that follows passionately after her Lord, rather than as a woman who has it all together on the outside. Proverbs is so right- beauty is absolutely fleeting and deceptive. It is the fear of the Lord that makes a woman srikingly beautiful, and for some reason, that truth - the truth I have known for so many years - has really impacted my heart in a significant way tonight. ...more later... | | |
| I found this quote today that describes how "stuck" I feel right now in life: "If you ignore your passion or let it fade, your life becomes duller, emotionally flatter, less fulfilled, and sometimes even tinged with apathy." I feel like I've given up all my passions to pursue something totally different. And I do feel like my life is dull, flat, and less fulfilled becuase I'm not following my passions. I regret changing directions and I wish I could go back! At my internship today, the 3 of us interns were having our meeting with Dr Bachmann, the owner of the counseling center, and he was asking each of us which areas of counseling have sparked an interest in us so far- what specific areas we'd like to pursue. When he got to me, I explained how I am so frustrated becuase I feel no direction in life, if I should even consider going to more school to become a counselor. I mentioned how I had switched my major 3 semesters ago, and they asked why....I Don't Know!!! "Why" is a great question!! He asked if I've had any job that I really loved... and I have- my job for Tim McConnell, the photographer. Why did I leave that passion behind? Did I shy back in fear? Does part of me believe that becoming a Christian counselor is simply the more "Christian" thing to do, especially compared to becoming a photographer? I'm so anxious to have this uncertain stage of my life behind me! If only God would just whisper in my ear what He desires for me! I am leaning on the verse in Isaiah that says, "This is what the Lord says, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Isreal, 'I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you and directs you in the way you should go." I fully trust in the truth of this verse, that God will indeed direct me, but the waiting time sure can be difficult! God and I are certainly not on the same time schedule... and yet I need to trust that His timing is perfect and right. | | |
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